I didn't get out of bed until 2:03 PM. Not to get a drink, not to go to the bathroom, not to answer the phone. Nothing. It is now 2:34 PM and I am back in the bed, eating leftovers and watching the Food Network for the (seemingly) 7th hour today. Thank GOD my oldest daughter is able to help me on days like this. She wrote me a note last night telling me she was going to clean the kitchen for me, because I was looking "so sad". Today when she walked in and I was cradling a pillow in a near fetal position on my bed, she asked why I was so sad. I decided that then, and only then, it was time to get my ass up out of bed so that I could pass off a semblance of normal to them. I don't want their "normal" picture of me to be curled up in the bed & depressed.
I've been clinically depressed before. Years and years I have struggled with it. It's been more than half my life, honestly. On and off medication, in and out of hospitalization. Talking to someone, and trying to deal with it all on my own. I don't know just yet where this situation is leading me. I am terribly sad and confused. But I have a little glimmer of ..... something .... that I can feel deep down inside of my soul. I feel like it is hope. I want to believe that it is hope. I am trusting that it is hope.
I have made my to-do list for the week already. I have many things to get done in preparation for school starting on the 10th for me, and the ending preparations for Ryan's return. I am blessed to have many things on my plate right now so that I don't have the ability to lay down again and not get up until it's time to get my children from school. I've been there, done that, and I don't want a repeat of it. I genuinely want, and NEED, to make a change with my life.
Now.....it's just time to sit back and trust the process and listen to my instincts.
PS....Thank you SO much to my incredible friends who are helping me right now. It means the world to me.