Saturday, January 1, 2011

Day One... I can do this.

January 1, 2011.

Day 1/365.

The Year of Me.


I am 32 years, 3 months, and 23 days old as of today and I have no idea who I am.

Yes... I know that my name is Abbey and I have 3 adorable kids and a husband of nearly 10 years.  But... I have no idea what-so-ever of who I am. 

I used to be a lot more "fun" then what I have morphed into.  I was jovial and sarcastic and the life of the party.  I had acquaintances friends everywhere I went.  I made conversations easily.  I stood up for myself more.  I tried new things. I laughed. I didn't cry nearly as much. I had a passion for life.  I had a passion for ME. I took care of myself. I didn't try and eat my feelings and I surly didn't snag my husband by nagging him to death as I do now. I yelled less and loved more.  I took interest of things off of the Internet. I wasn't tied electronically to people online who have zero chance of knowing who I am, either in real life or online. I was, instead, tied to the people who mattered most to me. I have lost control over more of my life than I care to admit. I am sad and lonely and depressed and scared and unhappy and fat and unhealthy and... not me.  Not the me I remember anyway. 

So after a particularly rough 2010, I have decided to try and make 2011 the Year of Me.  This is going to be hard for me on many levels. #1 being - I am the best procrastinator.  Like... as in the best in the history of the world.  I will wait until the last possible second to do most things, and then when it is time to get things done, I find myself concerned with the littlest details that matter least.  Prime example -- hubby is about to return from his year long deployment.  Instead of cleaning baseboards or sprucing up the house, I have instead found myself rearranging the contents of the filing cabinet.  Which - it should be noted - has been tucked away in a closet for the past year and has not been used one time. This also means that the days/week before he comes home will become frantic on my part and I will spend countless hours after dark doing what I should be doing now.  #2 - there are so many variables that come with being a SAHM and active duty military spouse that it is extremely hard to plan 3 months/6 months/1 year into the future.  #3 - the thought has crossed my mind that I may not like this journey once I get started on it.  What if age and time has turned me into who I am now.. and that is really who I am supposed to be? Is it possible to change yourself so much to what your idea of yourself is? Is that idea of me just a far off distant fantasy? Doesn't everyone have a fantasy of what/who they wish they were? What affect will that have on my relationship(s) with my family? My kids? My husband?  What if I hate the person I become more then what I hate now?  

I have tried to make a list of some of the things that I want to accomplish in 365 short days. This list may morph into something completely different or it may stay the same. I have no idea. But here is, as of right now, what I hope to work on in 2011. These aren't in order of importance, btw.  Just a random list that I threw out there. 

1.  Find God/ religion again.  (Did I ever have it?)
2.  Find a church to attend regularly. (Both for me and my children.)
3.  Love myself more.  (Whatever that may turn out to be.)
4.  Weigh less. (10 lbs or 100 lbs - either one is better then what it is now.)
5.  Care more about my personal and home's appearance.  (This will go good with #3, I believe.) 
6.  Become a better friend. 
7.  Volunteer, school or a job.  Do at least one. **Enrolled in College 12/31/2010
8.  Learn how to make something homemade.  (Crafting, scrap-booking, cross-stitching, etc.)
9.  Run 100 miles by December 31st.
10.  Run a 5K. (Aside from the Cto5K.  Actually crossing a finish line in a race I have registered for.)
11.  Fully complete Couch to 5K in a single attempt.  (NO starting and stopping the program.)
12.  Take at least 100 pictures a month and I have to be in at least 5 a week.  (I matter also, no matter how I may look today. They need these memories as much as I do.)
13.  Yell less.  (Way less.)
14.  Start a journal.  (Gratitude journal? Daily journal?)
15.  Love more.  (Try and let love be the 1st thought into my mind instead of anger.)
16.  Learn to make a great dirty Martini.  (Margarita's are so 2010.)
17.  Clean up my personal relationships.  (Realize that family doesn't equal love and it's okay to let them go if need be.  A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship.)
18.  Spend less time online and more time with family and kids. (Maybe get rid of the BlackBerry?)
19.  Reconnect with Ryan.  (Whatever that may mean. Maybe I'll have to endure NCIS with him as he endures my reality shows with me. Maybe it's something completely different.)
20.  Read 6 books.  ( I hate to read but the last thing I read was Harry Potter, so......)
21.  Go to 5 new places with the family.
22.  Clean the house everyday.  (Maybe not scrubbing it down, but definitely straighten it up.)
23.  Stick to Weight Watchers everyday for 30 days.  (I deserve it. I pay for it. Frankly, I need it.)
24.  Volunteer in the kid's classrooms and at the school.
25.  Go on at least 2 walks a week.
26.  Become more financially sound and secure.
27.  Eat out less.  (Waaaay less.)
28.  Go camping with the family.  (I hate it, but the kids love it.  They will only be kids for less time that I care to calculate and these days are fading fast.  I can hate it when they are grown, right?)
29.  Live life to the fullest.  (Subject to interpretation, I suppose.)
30.  Get dressed each day.  (Pajama's are for bed, not for greeting Ryan after he's been at work all day long. Makeup is also a plus.)
31.  Listen to 100 new songs by artist's I may not know.
32.  Let go.  (Let go of the anger, and resentment, and hate and mistrust of everyone around me.  Not everyone is out to get me. People genuinely want to be around me and love me.)
34.  Get a new haircut.  (Maybe an actual style this time instead of long, straight & flat-ironed, or in a ponytail.)
35.  Learn how to properly put on makeup.  (The technique from 9th grade is draining me emotionally.)
36.  Take good care of my skin.  (Wrinkles are coming fast. I look haggard as it is.)
37.  Start to use coupons.  (I want to really make a go at using coupons and see what that can save us.  I will NOT however spend 7+ hours a week working on it.  Just simple clips from the Sunday paper should be adequate.)
38 - ?.  The rest is still unwritten ........

I realize that this list sounds ambitious, and then not-so-ambitious all at the same time.  None of the things are dramatic, like, say, Climb Mt. Everest!!  But still, it's overwhelming for me, but these changes have been a long time coming.  I have no idea of what these changes are going to mean for me, my future and my relationships.  I hope that they are all positive changes, but there is no way of foreseeing the future.  Change is hard for everyone involved, especially when those people can't take participation in the change (i.e. my family members).   I am attempting to do all of this with the sincere hope that my life will become fuller and happier and healthier.

I just don't want to be "me" anymore.  I'm ready for the new me to emerge.

I think that I am also going to adopt a song of the year. I think Cyndi Lauper's True Colors is a pretty good representation of things ahead.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

1 comment:

  1. You can do it. It's a journey. I like your list. Keep adding to it whenever you want. xoxo