Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Today was a better day.

I slept crazily last night.  I was seemingly up every hour because my body was telling me that I had overslept.  I had not, in fact, over slept at all.  But the resulting implications of interrupted sleep last night came at 6:15 this morning, when Landry came to do his morning routine of a little cuddle with Mom before the day gets started.  I shut my eyes for "just one second" and suddenly, it was 6:47.  We made it to school on time.  One of the kids turned off the heater downstairs last night, and the temp was 19 degrees outside, so walking onto the linoleum floors this morning and being slapped with the cold air was not exactly fun.  It took the better part of an hour to warm up the space.  The digital readout on the thermometer read 57 degrees when we first got down there, but I would swear it was colder than that.

One of my Year Of Abbey goals is to weigh less. I went to the YMCA this morning with a friend and it felt good to be out exercising. I walked briskly for about 1.5 miles. I then rode the stationary bike for 2.5 miles. We got there a little late, and we were only able to stay there for about 40 minutes due to me having to go to school, but it was still great.  Factor in my nearly 1.5 miles I am walking for school in the mornings, and we shall call this the start of a success.

Class this morning was hard.  I don't understand her very well, partially because of her thick German accent, and partially because I don't understand what we are doing. In talking to some other students about the quiz yesterday they were all in agreement - they didn't know a lot on the test either.  That really made me feel better. I am going to do some studying today on factoring polynomials, and binomials, as the Professor said that knowing how to do those well will make the class 100 times easier.  About an hour into class, I started to get a teeny tiny little bit of understanding on what we are doing, but of course we are moving on tomorrow to something new.  Which is why I have to study, study, study.

Tonight, we will attend a meeting for my husband's Army unit, and we will get a better window of days for his return.  It's just go-go-go for the next few days, and I'm totally okay with that.

Have a great day!  I'm trying to.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


... will go down as the day that I cried in my college class.

We took a pre-test today to gauge where we were at skills wise.  The Professor had told us yesterday that if we had completed the previous developmental math class (which I have & I passed it, albeit over 3 years ago), then we should have no trouble with this test. I studied some last night and again this morning from my  tests and notes from the previous class for this test. I walked into class and began to study again.  When she passed out the test and a scantron, I looked down and IMMEDIATELY teared up.  It was instantaneous. It was involuntary. I couldn't stop it from coming, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.  Trust me - I wanted to stop the tears so badly, but they wouldn't stop from coming.

Simplify the following: 15xy + 10xy + 15x + 10y
Factoring polynomials.
**drip, drip**
Evaluate the function: f(-4) when f(x) = x-5x+2

It was all foreign to me.

I can't even get in to see the tutoring people at the school until NEXT Friday, at the earliest.  My husband's deployment is rapidly coming to an end, and there are things in this home that need to be done before his arrival. I have class next week on a day in which the kids do not have school due to an in-service.  I think I have someone worked out to help with that situation, but she has SEVEN kids herself. (What's 3 more, really?) I need a haircut, and eyebrow wax, and to take the dogs to the vet. Soccer practice is in full swing, with up to 4 nights/days a week being dedicated to that alone.  However, soccer will end at the end of February - baring any sort of play-off scenario.

In all of this sudden, extra craziness I also realize that I am lucky.

I am lucky that I have been afforded the opportunity to stay home with my children for 8+ years and having the opportunity to be lackadaisical about school.  I am not a single mother who is struggling with 3 kids, a full time job and a full time school load.  I don't even have a half load this semester.  I have ONE CLASS. ONE. It's developmental at that. I should be able to handle this.  I am overwhelmed today, but I don't need it to become overwhelming to my life.  I will either pass the class, or I won't.  It is what it is at this point.  I can't drop it and take the lower developmental class since I have already taken (and passed) it.  If I were to take the lower developmental class again, I would be just taking it for nothing but prep (again) for this class.  No credit, no raising of my GPA, nothing. I'm not prepared to do that, at least not at this point.


On a side note...

Thank you all SO MUCH for the comments and love about my 1st day of school.  I *still* have yet to hear from ANY family about my school. None. Not one.

Thankfully, I am pretty busy with all this school and other nonsense going on that I am starting to not dwell on it too much. Well... maybe still dwelling just a little bit. ; )

Monday, January 10, 2011

Great Expectations

Today I started back to school.  Which, YAY! It's going to be a tough class for me - Algebra - but I will get a tutor, and I will carry on. I started off the morning by arriving to school way to early to find that elusive never-to-be-found, up-close parking space. (I never found it.) I parked nearly a mile away, which as I thought about it, I wasn't as upset about.  I mean free, mandatory exercise 4 times a week?  Awesome. Not so awesome was the drizzly fog and 36* temps this morning, but that won't be every morning.  Soon it will be breezy and cool and perfect for walking a mile before class.


I didn't get a phone call from certain members of my family with whom I expected to receive a call.  It is not a requirement that they call me to see how my first day of school went.  I am not 7 and starting the ever so important 2nd Grade.  I am an adult. A grown woman. A mother of my very  own ever so important 2nd Grader. But I want to feel like I am in the front of someones mind on my important days, too.  I want to feel like someone was thinking about me that day, and that they knew it was going to be tough on me.  I want someone close to me to show concern and love to my feelings and emotions. I don't always want to have to be the one to make the phone call on Holidays and Anniversaries.  I want someone to make that call first to me. I want to be thought of as important enough in their busy life, so as to warrant 5 minutes of their time.  I want a quick e-mail, or text, that says "Love you. Thinking of you. Good luck."

But I didn't get that.

At least not from my family.

I have found some amazing friends in my life.  Some are newer and come from the Army, and some are from long gone days, and they are showing a level of compassion & understanding that I have yet to fully comprehend. I got a great deal of love on Face Book from friends with encouragement and sayings of "I'm proud of you!" and "You'll do great!" and a text that said "YOU CAN DO IT".  So... I will make you proud of me, I will do great, and I WILL do it.

All of those reminders of love made me walking into the class easier and less stressful. It still wasn't easy. I still would have loved those calls/texts/emails from family.

The love from today wasn't what I expected.  It was so much more.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Day Four

Again, the dogs got me up at 5 o'clock dark, and again, I got ready for the day WITH FULL MAKEUP. (I don't know if you can tell, but I capitalize that statement because I generally go entire months without touching my makeup. So, it's kind of a big deal.) I took Delanie to her 8 year well child checkup, and we will go back in 6 months for some follow up tests. Basically, she appears to have been dealing with her dad's recent deployment by eating everything in site. She also has some kind of semi-common, non-contagious skin condition, which will never go away but can be controlled.  Landry has the same condition, also. The doctor telling Delanie she was obese garnered no response from her, but damn if telling her she was going to have patchy, rough, skin all over her body (face included) for the rest of her life and she broke down.  A girl she is, indeed.

Housing was supposed to come today to look at things that needed to be fixed, but I was too tired to deal with it so I cancelled the appointment.  I rescheduled it for Friday, which is fine.  I basically laid around all day and it was fantastic.

That, of course, means that tomorrow is going to be awful for me, as now I have the planned taking down of the Christmas decorations, as well as the cleaning that didn't get done today.  Blerg.

I am going to try and go to sleep now.  That way I will hopefully have maybe, possibly 7 hours of sleep before the pups try and get me up. Tomorrow, I have no outings planned, which will mean no makeup for me.  I  have so much cleaning to do that it will just sweat off anyway.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day Three....

Today was such a long day.  A long, long day.

The dogs got me up by barking and yelping at 5:15-ish? I don't remember exactly, as it was still so dark outside. They still don't sleep through the night, so I was hoping that this behavior of theirs would quickly stop.  It didn't. I got up and let them out and lounged around downstairs (read: fell back asleep) till about 6.  I then came upstairs, got dressed, WITH FULL MAKEUP, (#30 on my list) and woke the kids up at about 6:30.  All of them were still on Christmas Vacation time, and all pleaded with me not to send them to school - each with a different debilitating injury.  One's side hurt, another had a "me-grain" headache (migraine), and I stopped listening to the last kid's problem.  Breakfast was served, kitchen was cleaned, and we were out the door at 7:17.  Suh-weet!

I dropped the kid's off at their respective schools, and then went and filled up the car with gas ($2.85/gallon? Yikes.) and got a drink for the day.  The Shoppette (military convenience store) has 44 oz fountain drinks for 0.99, so I like to get one there.  Got to Walmart at about 7:45, and I was one of maybe 20 cars in the entire parking lot.  I love to go early in the mornings when no one but old people are there.  Went to the 75% off Christmas section, and got red, white, and blue ornaments for the Christmas tree for next year, as per the request of the kids, and got us each new stockings.  The one's we have now are all hand painted from the kids, which are cute & sweet & sentimental  ... but sometimes I think it will be nicer to have some "pretty" stockings out.  Plus.. the stockings were like 0.50 each.  I got about 50-60 ornaments, 10 shirt boxes, and 5 stockings for $21 with tax.  Not too shabby. I then did the grocery shopping.  I also took coupons! (#37) I actually took pictures of the coupons to prove to you that I used them (#12 - take pictures), but I left the camera downstairs and I am too tired to go get it to download them onto the computer.

Then, after that ... this was my day...

Pulled out some money from the bank for Landry's haircut tomorrow, because I forgot to get cash back.
PX (military Walmart) -- Dog food
Vet Clinic (with BOTH horrible dogs) *Bailey was 7 months last week and 77 pounds and Daisy is 6 months tomorrow and was 64 pounds, if you were wondering*  -- Heart worm pills for the month
Went to pay Audree's monthly payment for her braces.
Deposited a check into the savings account.
Petsmart - got harnesses and new leashes for the dogs.  Also, fish food for Audree's 6 day old goldfishes, with whom we found has passed on this evening to the big toilet bowl in the sky.  RIP Cloudy & Sunny.
Something else I know I did, but can't figure it out just now.
Got a taco from the taco truck down the street.
Came home for an hour and then went to go get the kids from school at 2:30.
4:00 - pickup's complete.. snacks, cleaning, dinner, got ready for the 1st soccer practice of the year (EVER!) for Delanie and Landry. Took some pictures of the kids in their uniforms.
6:00 - Soccer practice. Walked up to the wrong field and listened to a coach tell us about the teams, practices, etc. And then realized AFTER he was finished that we were at the wrong field.  Found the right set of bleachers, listened to Audree tell me repeatedly how bored she was and then she had the gall to fart - loudly- in front of all of the other team parents and then tried to blame it on me. Also ... Landry only practiced his kung-fu moves on the field, and Delanie was about 6" taller then anyone else on the team. It was also freezing-ly cold and all I was wearing was a thin, long sleeved t-shirt from Old Navy. (Not that it matters that it is from ON, but that can give you a reference to how thin it was.)  I ran out the door so concerned that the kids remember all of their things, that I forgot to bring a jacket for me. Whaa...whaa.

Came home, threw some more food at the kids (not really) and sent them off to the baths. Dealt with Cloudy & Sunny. Cleaned the kitchen, swept all the downstairs, tried to clean up some of the mud that the dogs tracked in all over the entire downstairs before we realized that they had been playing in the water faucet again, but I think that will have to wait for the steam cleaner or mop tomorrow.  Made myself some dinner at about 9:15 (macaroni and cheese, if you're curious). Came to my room to unwind..... and write this.

Tomorrow, Delanie has a doctor's appointment at 8 am in an adjoining town, and then housing will be here sometime between "10-2" to look at fixing some cracks in the walls and some popped tiles in the bathrooms. I have tons of cleaning - both regular and deployment-is-ending-so-I-need-to-scrub-it-all-down cleaning - and I have a metric ton of laundry to accomplish soon-ish if my kid's don't want to go to school wearing their Christmas pj's that match. Thursday, I am going to pick up my school books from the campus bookstore, and get my new student i.d., and that is about all I have planned between now and Monday.

Besides that metric ton of cleaning to be done, of course.

Aaaaaaaand, scene.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Day Two ....

I didn't get out of bed until 2:03 PM.  Not to get a drink, not to go to the bathroom, not to answer the phone.  Nothing.  It is now 2:34 PM and I am back in the bed, eating leftovers and watching the Food Network for the (seemingly) 7th hour today.  Thank GOD my oldest daughter is able to help me on days like this.  She wrote me a note last night telling me she was going to clean the kitchen for me, because I was looking "so sad".  Today when she walked in and I was cradling a pillow in a near fetal position on my bed, she asked why I was so sad.  I decided that then, and only then, it was time to get my ass up out of bed so that I could pass off a semblance of normal to them. I don't want their "normal" picture of me to be curled up in the bed & depressed.

I've been clinically depressed before.  Years and years I have struggled with it. It's been more than half my life, honestly. On and off medication, in and out of hospitalization.  Talking to someone, and trying to deal with it all on my own. I don't know just yet where this situation is leading me.  I am terribly sad and confused.  But I have a little glimmer of ..... something .... that I can feel deep down inside of my soul.  I feel  like it is hope.  I want to believe  that it is hope. I am trusting that it is hope.

I have made my to-do list for the week already.  I have many things to get done in preparation for school starting on the 10th for me, and the ending preparations for Ryan's return.  I am blessed to have many things on my plate right now so that I don't have the ability to lay down again and not get up until it's time to get my children from school.  I've been there, done that, and I don't want a repeat of it.  I genuinely want, and NEED, to make a change with my life.'s just time to sit back and trust the process and listen to my instincts.

PS....Thank you SO much to my incredible friends who are helping me right now.  It means the world to me.

Harder then I thought...

Today was a hard day for me.

For reasons that I can't (and won't) air out on the Internet for all to see, life just became ten thousand times  harder today.

I am lost. I am extremely sad. I am fragile.

Hours after this initial shock has worn off, I came here so that I could get a reminder of why I am going to be doing what I have set out to do....

It's because I am worth it.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Day One... I can do this.

January 1, 2011.

Day 1/365.

The Year of Me.


I am 32 years, 3 months, and 23 days old as of today and I have no idea who I am.

Yes... I know that my name is Abbey and I have 3 adorable kids and a husband of nearly 10 years.  But... I have no idea what-so-ever of who I am. 

I used to be a lot more "fun" then what I have morphed into.  I was jovial and sarcastic and the life of the party.  I had acquaintances friends everywhere I went.  I made conversations easily.  I stood up for myself more.  I tried new things. I laughed. I didn't cry nearly as much. I had a passion for life.  I had a passion for ME. I took care of myself. I didn't try and eat my feelings and I surly didn't snag my husband by nagging him to death as I do now. I yelled less and loved more.  I took interest of things off of the Internet. I wasn't tied electronically to people online who have zero chance of knowing who I am, either in real life or online. I was, instead, tied to the people who mattered most to me. I have lost control over more of my life than I care to admit. I am sad and lonely and depressed and scared and unhappy and fat and unhealthy and... not me.  Not the me I remember anyway. 

So after a particularly rough 2010, I have decided to try and make 2011 the Year of Me.  This is going to be hard for me on many levels. #1 being - I am the best procrastinator.  Like... as in the best in the history of the world.  I will wait until the last possible second to do most things, and then when it is time to get things done, I find myself concerned with the littlest details that matter least.  Prime example -- hubby is about to return from his year long deployment.  Instead of cleaning baseboards or sprucing up the house, I have instead found myself rearranging the contents of the filing cabinet.  Which - it should be noted - has been tucked away in a closet for the past year and has not been used one time. This also means that the days/week before he comes home will become frantic on my part and I will spend countless hours after dark doing what I should be doing now.  #2 - there are so many variables that come with being a SAHM and active duty military spouse that it is extremely hard to plan 3 months/6 months/1 year into the future.  #3 - the thought has crossed my mind that I may not like this journey once I get started on it.  What if age and time has turned me into who I am now.. and that is really who I am supposed to be? Is it possible to change yourself so much to what your idea of yourself is? Is that idea of me just a far off distant fantasy? Doesn't everyone have a fantasy of what/who they wish they were? What affect will that have on my relationship(s) with my family? My kids? My husband?  What if I hate the person I become more then what I hate now?  

I have tried to make a list of some of the things that I want to accomplish in 365 short days. This list may morph into something completely different or it may stay the same. I have no idea. But here is, as of right now, what I hope to work on in 2011. These aren't in order of importance, btw.  Just a random list that I threw out there. 

1.  Find God/ religion again.  (Did I ever have it?)
2.  Find a church to attend regularly. (Both for me and my children.)
3.  Love myself more.  (Whatever that may turn out to be.)
4.  Weigh less. (10 lbs or 100 lbs - either one is better then what it is now.)
5.  Care more about my personal and home's appearance.  (This will go good with #3, I believe.) 
6.  Become a better friend. 
7.  Volunteer, school or a job.  Do at least one. **Enrolled in College 12/31/2010
8.  Learn how to make something homemade.  (Crafting, scrap-booking, cross-stitching, etc.)
9.  Run 100 miles by December 31st.
10.  Run a 5K. (Aside from the Cto5K.  Actually crossing a finish line in a race I have registered for.)
11.  Fully complete Couch to 5K in a single attempt.  (NO starting and stopping the program.)
12.  Take at least 100 pictures a month and I have to be in at least 5 a week.  (I matter also, no matter how I may look today. They need these memories as much as I do.)
13.  Yell less.  (Way less.)
14.  Start a journal.  (Gratitude journal? Daily journal?)
15.  Love more.  (Try and let love be the 1st thought into my mind instead of anger.)
16.  Learn to make a great dirty Martini.  (Margarita's are so 2010.)
17.  Clean up my personal relationships.  (Realize that family doesn't equal love and it's okay to let them go if need be.  A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship.)
18.  Spend less time online and more time with family and kids. (Maybe get rid of the BlackBerry?)
19.  Reconnect with Ryan.  (Whatever that may mean. Maybe I'll have to endure NCIS with him as he endures my reality shows with me. Maybe it's something completely different.)
20.  Read 6 books.  ( I hate to read but the last thing I read was Harry Potter, so......)
21.  Go to 5 new places with the family.
22.  Clean the house everyday.  (Maybe not scrubbing it down, but definitely straighten it up.)
23.  Stick to Weight Watchers everyday for 30 days.  (I deserve it. I pay for it. Frankly, I need it.)
24.  Volunteer in the kid's classrooms and at the school.
25.  Go on at least 2 walks a week.
26.  Become more financially sound and secure.
27.  Eat out less.  (Waaaay less.)
28.  Go camping with the family.  (I hate it, but the kids love it.  They will only be kids for less time that I care to calculate and these days are fading fast.  I can hate it when they are grown, right?)
29.  Live life to the fullest.  (Subject to interpretation, I suppose.)
30.  Get dressed each day.  (Pajama's are for bed, not for greeting Ryan after he's been at work all day long. Makeup is also a plus.)
31.  Listen to 100 new songs by artist's I may not know.
32.  Let go.  (Let go of the anger, and resentment, and hate and mistrust of everyone around me.  Not everyone is out to get me. People genuinely want to be around me and love me.)
34.  Get a new haircut.  (Maybe an actual style this time instead of long, straight & flat-ironed, or in a ponytail.)
35.  Learn how to properly put on makeup.  (The technique from 9th grade is draining me emotionally.)
36.  Take good care of my skin.  (Wrinkles are coming fast. I look haggard as it is.)
37.  Start to use coupons.  (I want to really make a go at using coupons and see what that can save us.  I will NOT however spend 7+ hours a week working on it.  Just simple clips from the Sunday paper should be adequate.)
38 - ?.  The rest is still unwritten ........

I realize that this list sounds ambitious, and then not-so-ambitious all at the same time.  None of the things are dramatic, like, say, Climb Mt. Everest!!  But still, it's overwhelming for me, but these changes have been a long time coming.  I have no idea of what these changes are going to mean for me, my future and my relationships.  I hope that they are all positive changes, but there is no way of foreseeing the future.  Change is hard for everyone involved, especially when those people can't take participation in the change (i.e. my family members).   I am attempting to do all of this with the sincere hope that my life will become fuller and happier and healthier.

I just don't want to be "me" anymore.  I'm ready for the new me to emerge.

I think that I am also going to adopt a song of the year. I think Cyndi Lauper's True Colors is a pretty good representation of things ahead.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow